(ESSAY) IS THIS... consciousness? by India Boxall
- SPAM
- Oct 23
- 1 min read
'Something for the dreamland inbox attached' -- new writing by India Boxall for our Digital Dreamland series. In this piece, the author wrestles with existential awakening in the face of a popular fictional psychopath, finding preferable mirage in the daily meme.
![IS THIS… consciousness?
Remember the meme that signifies the moment you realise you are conscious, usually when you are a young child careening through life in playful globules.
>>when you suddenly gain consciousness at age 5<< gives me a sense of belonging. I find the idea that others recall their [existential awakening] / [moment of corporeal sensemaking] - as hauntingly funny - to be comforting. Patrick Bateman from American Psycho features as the face of Self-Awareness at a Young Age in many memes of this sub-genre. He stares into the camera with angled cheek bones and an aligned jaw. When I remember my experience of becoming self-aware, I guess there could be a possibility that this is reflected in Bateman’s acerbic gaze. I was in the car on the way to being taken somewhere quotidian when the feeling rushed over me, the scale of my world now projected into the outer reaches of the cosmos, accelerating and cascading simultaneously whilst the local FM radio station blasted a nineties anthem. Looking inward to my child's mind’s eye, I believe I asked: is this… it?
And then, twenty something years later, in a dream, there he was: Bateman-as-reflection. His ‘based’ presence lingered in the shadowy silos of dreamscape, proxying as symbolic for late-stage capitalism. [a spectre in a suit] can’t be a coincidence?
Consciousness as a subcategory of capitalism posits an inability for the human bodymind to exist beyond the parameters of enforced scarcity, exponential profit, labour exchange. A doublethink I oppose outright. But I don’t find Patrick’s stare to be encompassing of the moment of my awakening. As if all that realisation is neatly tucked in a foolscap…as if the working world is the escape from which I should awaken into. In dream world, I try to follow him but he’s always edging away, facing me but walking backwards [imagine reverse American Psycho]. Perhaps I could try to adopt his main character/pick me energy. Take up charged psychopathic business etiquette in my stride. Harden my angles. Yet, the dream won’t let me - as soon as any edge starts to form, its tail softens and warps to reveal the liquid carousel of dreamscape.
I digress. A better mirage is the meme “Is this… a pigeon?” - the online generator where you can create your own version has given me ample joy in delivering criticality within specific contexts where I see fit. Theory-driven meme use is a manifold of digital consciousness-making; however, the showing up of Patrick in my dream state is a reminder of the penetrating modality of quasi-interpretationism, or that which is to be interpreted within an incorporeal domain such as the internet. If dream world speaks as the ever-proliferating versions of imprints of experience, does consciousness occur as the medium by which I can critique this? Or do I void agency as I flow vividly through these strata, trying to find the essence, a child in a car.](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/59e921_26b0a1c125e1497eb9032df6a309db19~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_719,h_891,al_c,q_85,enc_avif,quality_auto/59e921_26b0a1c125e1497eb9032df6a309db19~mv2.jpg)
~
Author: India Boxall
Published: 23/10/25
This essay beautifully explores the complexities of consciousness, much like how a solid business plan requires deep insight and clarity. In my experience with business plan consulting, I've found that understanding every layer of a concept is crucial. It's fascinating to see similar thought processes at play here.